I haven't felt so strong of an urge to write in here in a very long time.

Tonight I searched through random entries and thought about how funny I used to be. I'm not saying I'm not funny now, but its a different kind of funny. Some of the things I used to write in here made me laugh out loud when I read them just because they were so ridiculous.

Before going on a trip to the past, I watched The Amityville Horror. This is a horrible movie to watch when you're alone, in your basement, and in the dark. I was so scared that forty minutes into the movie I called Rick while trembling and made him talk to me until I was calm once more. Overall I thought the movie was really well done and sufficiently creepy (something that is hard to achieve in my honest opinion). The acting was not astonishingly great, but it was enjoyable. I was pleased, yet terrified.

It makes me really happy to be becoming close to Rick again. We've spent so long not talking to each other (by no fault of either of us, life just happens sometimes), but knowing that our friendship is strong enough that we can spend that long apart and come back and have everything be comfortable and easy going brings me intense joy. I've found it to be the same with Kate as well. We often have our times of seperation but when we come back to each other we're still as strong as ever. I have wonderful friends.

Okay, so I am really dumb sometimes. In my rush of packing on friday, I packed some really inappropriate footwear. This resulted in me spending all day today in heels that I have not worn for more than an hour for 2 months. AND! We walked around the mall and around Target. The result? Massive painful blisters. Makes me want to kick myself in the head, but I think that would hurt my feet more than my head.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm in a slump. Overall my life = spectacular. But, as the story goes, I'm lonely. All summer I searched for someone to relieve me of the pain of the whole James fiasco, and i had my little flings that gave me absolutely no satisfaction and did not help me with my situation whatsoever, and now that I'm finally over that stage, I'm just... lonely. I don't miss James or anything, I just... miss the companionship and closeness that a relationship gets you. And beyond that, I guess I could say I'm horny. haha. I've been scoping out the boys at my school and I've gone through a few crushes, and though I know its only been a short time, I can't help but get really frustrated by my lack of luck. I feel like I'm becoming really clingy with my friends, and even more touchy feely then normal just because I miss having someone to hug all the time. During the summer whenever I'd get in one of these types of stages I'd think back to my relationship with James and miss him. I don't do that anymore, I don't look back, I look at the present and just establish what I want that I don't have.

I want...

1. more direction in my life
2. someone to care intensely about me whom I also care intensely for
3. confidence that I know what I'm doing

or

3. satisfaction with my current position in life

I feel like I'm reaching for some unattainable goal. Everyone around me is dissatisfied with their life in some way shape or form. I mean, I understand that being dissatisfied leads us to push ourselves into something better, but at the same time, it really blows to think that I'm always going to feel dissatisfied.

This empty feeling needs to fade away. I sometimes feel its devouring my soul.

Its really funny how one little thing like finding someone can really make the rest of the wonderful things in a life seem so insignificant.

I never wanted it that way, but thats just how it has become. I guess I'm being a little overly dramatic at the moment, it being on my mind and all, but it seems that even though I love so many aspects of my life, loneliness tends to get the better of me.

a new piece melted @2:31 a.m.